Saturday, August 10, 2013

Overly-Honest Craigslist Posts

Single & Lonely? – w4m, w4w, w4anyone
Now that it's summer time and everyone on my Facebook is getting married, I'd like to announce MY availability for marriage. I'm a Cancer, an ENFJ, and an organ donor. I come with a 20-inch fan, a decent book collection of literary fiction, a working vagina, one boob that is only slightly bigger than the other, a pair of knock-off Doc Martens that EVERYONE thinks are real, mood swings that invite a refreshing air of unpredictability to the relationship, a liberal arts degree, a fairly large amount of debt related to said degree, and an extra cigarette or two, depending on how cute you are.
Serious inquiries please message me with your income, favorite type of alcohol, and a brief paragraph on how you feel about your mother.

Buy my Panties - w4m
Listen guys, I’m broke as fuck and I heard that this is an easy way to make money. I’m not going to have sex with any of you and if you even ask, I will verbally assault your manhood so hard and so cruelly that you’ll question the meaning of life itself. You can, however, buy the panties I’ve been wearing all day. You may be thinking, sweet! Dirty panties! I love dirty panties. And I also love fucking the girl who is wearing the dirty panties, or eating her out, or asking her to slob on my knob. That shit ain’t happening, so look elsewhere.
If you want these panties, you will get them & they will be awesome, but there are multiple factors I urge you fine gentlemen of Craigslist to consider: (1) I bought these panties myself. Panties don’t grow on trees, and if your mother told you that, then I bet her undies are ugly as fuck and full of leaves. I’m not giving you my panties for free. They’re worth what I paid for them PLUS my time, PLUS the fact that I’m a frail, 5’1 girl who is giving you—a stranger—a chance despite that I most certainly would not survive a murderous attack from a dangerous bro. (2) I’m not a sex worker so I’m sure as hell not trying to get arrested for sex-work. Don’t ask to fist me. Don’t ask me to fist you. Why not, you ask? Because these fists don’t feel like being cuffed or smelling like your ass, that’s why. (3) We’re meeting in a neutral location. I don’t care if that makes you feel awkward. You know what’s more awkward? Being a broke, vulnerable girl who’s being pressured into giving her home address to a complete stranger. Recognize.
If you agree and accept these terms, I think you and my panties could have a beautiful thing going on. ;D Send me a message with the color & fabric you prefer in the subject line. If you send me even one fucking dick pic I swear to Christ I will find out where you live, cut your stupid, useless dick off and stuff it in your motherfucking mouth until you choke to death on your own vomit and cock sweat. Then I’ll take my panties off, shit on your corpse, and maybe leave the panties there, you know, for your post-mortem pleasure. It’s up to you, big boy.
Serious inquiries only. <3

Looking to hire an administrative assistant to walk over to my bedroom window and turn on my fan. Must have 2+ years’ experience. This is an unpaid internship. Attach resume, cover letter, and references.

Shalom, fellas - w4m
Seeking an unconventionally attractive man who has a good, stable job, embodies the spirit/sentiment of Woody Allen without being 77 or looking like Woody Allen, intelligent, creative (or at least has an appreciation for the arts), hardworking, moral, eager to please, hates hunting and Republicans, would like to have children one day but realizes that there will never be a convenient time to have children, is pro-welfare but rolls his window up when strangers approach the car, loves drama but insists he’s drama-free, appreciates the go-green initiative, wholeheartedly believes that the problem with kids these days is lack of education... oh, fuck it.

Free Complaints, 100% Legit – (Lewiston, ME)
Are you recently-single and find that there’s a hole in your heart where your ex-girlfriend’s endless complaints used to be? Are you older, divorced, and eager to hear what a young, single girl has to say about men, pap smears, the price of make-up, and student loan debt collectors? Are you a lonely old man who simply wants to hear someone talk without really listening to what they’re saying?
If any of the above even remotely describes you, I think we should exchange email addresses and possibly phone numbers immediately so I can talk to you about some things that other people in my life are sick of hearing about.
For example, it’s just not fair that my health insurance doesn’t cover eye exams. Come ON! I’ve been wearing the same prescription for like, six years; it’s probably causing long-term damage to my eyes and my insurance provider couldn’t care less! I know, right? People can be fucking heartless.
Or how about how annoying and unfair it is that I can’t get my body to get lower than 150lbs without having to radically change my eating habits and go to the gym every day. Ugh! I have this one friend, Jamie, who can eat anything/everything and she never gains weight. So not fair. She doesn’t even appreciate it!
I would keep going but I’ll save it for you. In fact, I will stop expressing my discontent in all contexts and keep it bottled up so that when we get a chance to talk, I can just load it all on you.
This is going to feel so much better. I’m excited for our new, mutually-beneficial relationship to unfold.

Indie Bitch Seeking Weak Man to Torment Emotionally – w4m
I’m an educated, intelligent, semi-attractive, indiebitch / “so-called” psychopath, looking for an acne-scarred, overweight, self-conscious, Modern Warfare-playing weakling who can’t find a girlfriend because he hates himself and harbors an intense fear of rejection. I’m also afraid of rejection & abandonment, so we will initially bond through meaningful connections based on our weaknesses. I hope you don’t mind, but I will later use this to control you emotionally.
We will go on dates that you will pay for but we will not be “dating” until I say we are. You can certainly tell your friends that we’re dating and even bring me around them, as long as you’re aware that I may inadvertently emasculate you in front of them to subconsciously make myself feel superior. I will make fun of you to my friends & write mean things about you in my diary to make you seem like a controlling asshole and me a poor, trapped girl who just loves too much.
We will have sex and it will be amazing. Because I will intuitively come to learn what makes you feel the most pleasure and what causes you the most pain, I am a motherfucking beast in the sack. I will do that taboo thing that turns you on but you’d never openly admit to liking. I will act like we’re doing it for my satisfaction… until we’re having a fight. Having sex with me will be like all those pornos you watched, because I know that porn is how you first developed an understanding of what sex is, and my goal is to fulfill the desires you keep from others, learn all of your secrets and fears, and then trap you with this knowledge by serving as the sole provider of both your happiness and unhappiness.
Over time, my demands will become more and more unreasonable. I will expect you to drop what you’re doing and comfort me when I am not happy, because (and I will remind you of this constantly) I would do the same for you. When these demands are not met, I will accuse you of never liking me, never caring about me, and using me for your own benefit without a thought to my contentment. And though this won’t really be true, I will believe it to be true in my heart of hearts, and when I break up with you because I’ve found someone weaker, easier to control, and more enthralled with me, or when you break up with me because my needs have become increasingly insane, the end will be catastrophic for all involved and we will limp toward the rest of our lives as wounded, distrustful, less stable people. It will be a fucking shit-show.
If you’d like pics, please message me! ;) No nudes tho. xoxo

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